Yes, no, maybe list: a printable checklist

Plenty of people cannot say what they want across a table and can tick a box without any difficulty. This is the list I would hand somebody before a first proper conversation, laid out to print, with a column for the conditions that matter more than the ticks.

Consenting adults only. Everything on this page is about adults over 18 who have freely agreed to it.

Written from first-hand experience or extensive research by the editor.

Everything on this list is between consenting adults over 18, and every item on it is something two such adults might agree to or turn down. It goes with negotiation, not instead of it. What a list does well is raise the items nobody wants to be first to mention, and let you answer them without having brought them up.

How to use it

Print two copies, one each. Fill yours in alone, somewhere you will not be interrupted, sober and not already in the mood for anything. Then put it away for a day and read it again before you compare, because the first pass tends to be either braver or more cautious than you really are.

Each row gets one tick: yes, no or maybe. Leave a row blank if you do not know what it means, and ask. The notes column is where the useful information goes. "Yes, but over clothing first." "Only after a long warm-up." "No, and please do not ask why." A yes with a condition attached tells the other person far more than a bare yes.

Compare the two copies side by side, at a table, with your clothes on. Start with what you both marked yes, which is the pleasant part and gets the conversation moving. Then the nos. A no from either person stands without a reason and is not argued with. Only the items both of you marked yes are on the table at all.

Maybes come last. A maybe means "talk about this". It never means "yes if pushed", and it is not something to be worked on in the middle of a scene to see how far it will go. The rule I use is that a maybe is never tried on the same evening it was first discussed, and one that is still a maybe at the end of the conversation is a no for now.

A yes on paper sets a ceiling. It is not a promise. Anything can be withdrawn at any point, including halfway through, and the signals in the box below are how. Redo the list after a few sessions, since answers change once you know what things actually feel like. A filled-in copy is a private document, so keep it wherever you keep the implements, or shred it once you have talked. More on that at buying implements discreetly.

Safe word and signals

This part has to match on both copies, so settle it together once you have compared the rest. If you use traffic lights, the three lines after your name are red, amber and green. See safe words.

The list

One tick per row, in yes, no or maybe. Each heading links to the page that covers it.

Anything not on the list