Agreeing how hard: intensity and expectations

Two people agree on hard, and one of them means a firm hairbrush while the other means the cane. Nobody lied and nobody was careless, and the evening still goes wrong. Most of the fix is replacing adjectives with numbers, and agreeing a way to ask for more as well as less.

Consenting adults only. Everything on this page is about adults over 18 who have freely agreed to it.

Written from first-hand experience or extensive research by the editor.

Everything on this page is between consenting adults over 18. It covers the question every negotiation answers worst, which is how much, and how you will both know mid-scene if you have got it wrong. The general business of agreeing things is on negotiation, and the colours are on safe words.

Getting it wrong hurts in both directions

Somebody who wanted a very hard spanking and got a very light one goes home disappointed. It is like expecting a spicy vindaloo and being served a bland chicken curry, or worse, a chicken casserole. Nothing harmful happened. It was not what they came for, and they often do not say so, because complaining that somebody was too gentle feels ungrateful.

The other direction is more serious. Somebody who wanted something mild and got something far stronger may reasonably feel the top has overstepped a limit, even if nobody used that word, because the mild version was what they thought they had agreed. That lasts much longer than disappointment.

Tops are not mind readers

A good top is empathetic, and spends the scene watching and adjusting. But tops are not mind readers, and nobody can tell from outside whether a stroke was supposed to land as a four or an eight.

Most tops, at least the ones you should be playing with, have the bottom's best interests at heart and do not want to disappoint. That means they will listen. It does not mean they can act on what nobody told them. The responsibility is shared: the top has to ask, and the bottom has to say what they want, out loud or in a message, before anything starts. Having been on both ends, I would rather be told too much than guess.

Why words fail, and what to use instead

"Hard" and "light" are nearly useless on their own. Somebody who has had a few swats from a partner and somebody who has been caned for twenty years will both say "hard" and mean completely different evenings. So use reference points. Mine is a scale of 1–10, tied to what it feels like rather than how fast the arm is moving.

Then add the things you can count or see:

• The implement. Hand only, or which others, and in what order.
• The number of strokes, or how long. Twelve with the strap, or twenty minutes in all.
• Where. The backside only, or the upper thighs as well.
• Marks. None at all, pink that has faded by morning, or marks for a few days. The timelines are on marks and bruising.

A number plus those four tells a top more than a paragraph of adjectives.

Too light can be fixed, too hard cannot

Too light gets fixed next time, or in the next five minutes. Too hard cannot be undone. A bruise stays for a week, and a bottom who was frightened once stops trusting the arm, which takes far longer to mend than skin. At the far end it is an injury.

So start below the agreed level and build up, checking as you go. If the agreement is a six, the opening ten minutes are a two or a three. That matters most with a new partner, and I treat any first session as calibration rather than a performance. Your six and their six will differ, and it is much better to find that out at a three.

Warm-up changes the scale as well. A stroke that is a seven on cold skin can be a four twenty minutes in, which is why the number describes the feeling and not the force. See warm-up.

Traffic lights that work in both directions

Red stops everything. Amber means lighter, slower or a pause. Both are set out on red, amber, green and nothing here changes them.

What the colours lack is a way to ask for more. People who want it harder tend to say nothing, because there is no word for it, and then go home with the chicken casserole. So agree one. "Green, more" works. A number is more precise: "That is a four, I want a six." And the top's check-in can be one word: "Number?"

Two rules stop this going wrong. Asking for more never overrides a red or an amber. A red still ends the scene, and after an amber you climb back slowly, whatever gets said thirty seconds later. And being asked for more is never a licence to stop checking in. I add one of my own: "more" moves you within what was agreed and never past it. Anything beyond that goes in the next conversation.

What it sounds like beforehand

Top: "Out of ten, where do you want to end up?"
Bottom: "Six. Maybe seven right at the end."
Top: "What is a six to you?"
Bottom: "Needing a breath between them. Not fighting to keep still."
Top: "Hand and the strap?"
Bottom: "Yes. No cane. Pink is fine, nothing that lasts past Wednesday."
Top: "I will start well under that and ask for a number as we go. Amber if I am over. Green, more, if I am under."
Bottom: "And if I say more at a seven?"
Top: "Then you have had what you asked for. Next time, if you still want it."

When too hard becomes something else

The too-hard direction is not only disappointment turned round. Something that goes past what was agreed can later be experienced as abuse, and reported as abuse, and the person it happened to may be right to see it that way. Explicit agreement protects both people. The bottom has a record of where the line was. The top has a record that a line was agreed and kept to.

Put it in writing, even if writing only means messages, and keep them. Then confirm on the day, soberly, before anything starts: "Still a six, still no cane?" If the answer has changed, the new answer is the agreement. What happens if any of this reaches the police or a hospital is on if the law gets involved.

The ceilings that do not move

Two limits sit above any number. In England and Wales, after R v Brown, consent is not a defence to actual bodily harm, so injury beyond ordinary marks is not something either of you can agree to. And some parts of the body should not be hit at any intensity. Both are covered at how hard is too hard and where it is safe to strike, and neither moves because somebody said more.

Afterwards: what number did it reach?

The debrief is where calibration happens. The next day, once you are both back to normal, ask two questions. What number did it reach, and what number did you want? If they match, keep it. If not, you now know what to change.

"Harder next time" or "lighter next time" is information, not criticism, and a top should not take it personally. I have heard both, and lighter was the one I minded hearing, which is exactly why it has to be said. If a session went past what was wanted, the following days can be rough for both people. See sub drop and aftercare.

Warning signs

A top who ignores the agreed level, or hears amber, eases off for four strokes and goes straight back, is showing you how the next session will go. So is one who treats "more" as permission and "less" as an opening bid. Pushing past an amber once can be clumsiness. Twice is a pattern. See red flags.

If ticking is easier than talking, the printable yes, no, maybe list has an intensity section and a notes column, which is where the number goes.