Topping for the first time

Somebody you care about has asked you for something you have never done, possibly something you had never thought about, and you have quietly gone looking for instructions. This is the page I wish someone had handed me. The short version: you will hit softer than she wants, and that is correct.

Consenting adults only. Everything on this page is about adults over 18 who have freely agreed to it.

Written from first-hand experience or extensive research by the editor.

Everything here is between consenting adults over 18. First, the thing nobody says out loud. Being asked for this is unnerving. It is unnerving because it comes from somebody you like, because it asks you to do something every ordinary rule says you should not, and because you suspect you will be bad at it. All three are normal and none of them means you should say no.

Second: the bar is much lower than you think. I have received from a great many people, and the ones I wanted to see again were not the technically accomplished ones. They were the ones who were paying attention. Skill helps at the margins. Attention is the whole game.

What you have to agree before anything happens

Five things, and you can do it over a cup of tea in ten minutes. What she wants out of it. Where on the body, and whether marks are acceptable and where they can show. Which implement, which for a first time means your hand. Roughly how long. And what happens afterwards, which matters more than any of the rest. There is a fuller version at negotiation.

Agree a safe word and say out loud that you will stop instantly if you hear it, with no questions and no sulking. Then mean it. See safe words.

Ask what it is for as well. A tender evening, a stress release and a formal punishment want three different tones from you, and getting the tone wrong is a far commoner failure than getting the force wrong.

Set the room up

Warm, because cold skin takes impact badly. Water within reach, a clock you can see, and whatever you are using already in the room, so you are not leaving her draped over the sofa while you go looking in a drawer.

Take off your rings and your watch. Rings split skin. That is the single most common way a hand spanking draws blood, and the risk is anything but theoretical.

Where to stand

Stand at her side rather than directly behind her, on whichever side your dominant hand is. From there you can see the whole target and, more importantly, you can see the far edge of it.

Before you swing anything, measure. Hold the implement out and touch it lightly to where you intend it to land, with the far end stopping short of the far side of her body. That is your distance. If the tip goes past her hip you are too close, and the tip is the part that travels fastest and hardest. Almost every accidental injury in this business comes from that one error, and it is fixed by standing eight inches further away.

Aim at the middle of the lower half of the buttocks, the fleshy part above the crease of the leg. Not the upper curve, which is near the tailbone. Not the outer edge, which is hip. Where it is safe to strike has the map.

How to hold things

A loose grip, not a white-knuckled one. Tension in your hand travels down the implement and makes everything harder and less controlled than you meant.

With a hand, the swing comes from your elbow rather than your shoulder, and you are aiming to land flat with fingers together and slightly relaxed. A flat palm stings, a slightly cupped one thuds. Both are fine. Keep the hand relaxed rather than stiff either way: it lands more evenly, stings more and hurts you less, as the top's own body explains. What you want to avoid is landing with the edge of your hand or with your fingertips overhanging.

With a strap, let the weight of the leather do the work and stop your arm at the point of contact rather than driving through. Leather follows the body if you let it. If you push through, the last few inches wrap round the hip.

A hairbrush is heavier than your hand and much less forgiving, so land it flat and use about a third of the effort. Canes are not for a first session.

Whatever it is, hit your own thigh with it first. Properly, not a token tap. Everybody finds this slightly ridiculous and everybody who does it recalibrates downwards. It is the single most useful two minutes available to a new top.

The first ten minutes

Hand only. Over clothing to start with. Light, quick, rhythmic, covering the whole area instead of one spot, and going on much longer than seems reasonable. Ten to twenty minutes of this is normal, and it is what makes everything afterwards possible. The page on warm-up explains why it works.

You will feel like you are being pathetic. You are not. What you are doing during those ten minutes is learning: what her skin does, how her breathing changes, where your hand lands when you are not thinking about it.

Then increase in small steps, one thing at a time. Slightly firmer, wait a dozen strokes, slightly firmer again. She will tell you when to move faster, and if she is the sort who will not say, ask.

How to watch

Watch her body rather than her face, and watch the skin rather than either. Skin should go evenly pink and then red. Blotchy purple, white patches inside a red area, or any broken surface means stop and look properly.

Listen to her breathing rather than her voice. A settled receiver breathes deeply and lets her weight go. A struggling one holds her breath, tightens, grips with her toes, and goes quiet in a way that is different from the quiet of someone enjoying it. Learning that difference is the actual skill of this, and it has its own page at reading your partner.

Check in every few minutes and ask something with a real answer. "Colour?" if you have agreed the traffic light system. Otherwise "tell me what that one felt like" or "where is that landing". Anything better than "are you all right", which gets an automatic yes from absolutely everybody.

What to say

Nothing is a completely respectable option. Silence with a hand resting on her back between rounds is calm, present and much better than a performance.

If you want to talk, keep it plain. Her name. What is about to happen. That she is doing well, if she is. A stern voice is available if you both want it, but do not reach for it because you think it is required. A voice you do not believe in is audible to both of you.

Stopping, and the bit afterwards

Stop while it is still going well, which will be earlier than either of you wants. Say clearly that it is finished. Then stay: warmth, water, contact, and a look at the marks together so there are no surprises later. The shape of that is on the aftercare page.

Message her a day or two later. Drop tends to arrive on the Tuesday rather than the Sunday, and that short check-in is what separates people who take this seriously from people who say they do.

The responsibility, honestly

It is real. You are doing something to another person's body that she cannot fully evaluate while it is happening, and the seriousness you are feeling is an accurate reading of the situation rather than an overreaction.

It is also manageable, and roughly comparable to driving a car with a passenger in it. Be sober, be awake, pay attention, and know the small number of things that actually cause harm. Millions of people meet that bar daily.

Nerves before a first session are a good sign. I have met tops who were not nervous the first time, and I did not enjoy the experience of being under their hand. Take the nerves as evidence you have understood what is being asked.

What if you find you do not like it

Then you say so, and that is allowed. Some people discover they feel sick, or ridiculous, or nothing at all. Some enjoy it and then feel dreadful about having enjoyed it, which is common enough to have a name. That is top drop, it usually lands a day or two later, and it is not evidence that you are a bad person. It is evidence that you have a conscience doing its job slightly late.

You are also allowed to stop mid-session, for your own reasons, without explaining them. Consent runs in both directions and nobody is obliged to keep going because it was their idea to start.