Wooden spoon
The most domestic implement there is, and the one people underestimate every single time. A small hard head with no give in it concentrates everything into a few square inches. It is nothing like the mild household object it looks.
Consenting adults only. Everything on this page is about adults over 18 who have freely agreed to it.
In short
- A wooden spoon is small, hard and rigid, so it puts a lot of force through a small area.
- It bruises deeply and sooner than broader implements, and the marks last longer.
- Cheap spoons crack and splinter. Check for cracks along the neck before every use.
- Agree it in advance like any other implement, even if the scene is meant to look spontaneous.
Everything on this page concerns consenting adults over 18.
What it means
A kitchen spoon, beech or similar, used with the flat of the bowl against the buttocks. It lives in a jar by the cooker, it costs a pound and it is in the room already, which goes a long way to explaining why it turns up in so many fantasies.
The physics are the problem. The bowl is a few square inches of hardwood with no flex whatsoever. All the force goes through that small rigid area, straight into the tissue underneath, and the body has nothing to spread it with. That is a completely different proposition from a slipper, which puts the same swing across a whole cheek.
In practice
A wooden spoon at half the force you think is right will still be plenty. I mean that seriously. Every time I have handed one to somebody used to a slipper, the first stroke has been far harder than they intended and the reaction has been sharper than either of us expected.
Practical points. Use the flat of the bowl, never the edge and never the handle. Stay on the fullest part of the seat, in the middle, well clear of the hip bone, the tailbone and the crease at the top of the thigh. Short strokes from the wrist and forearm rather than a big swing, because you gain nothing from reach with a light object and lose all your accuracy.
Check the spoon. Cheap ones develop hairline cracks where the neck meets the bowl and they break, sometimes across a stroke, which produces a jagged edge travelling at speed. Bin any spoon with a crack. Do not use one that has been through a dishwasher a hundred times and gone furry.
Expect marks. Small hard implements leave discrete round bruises that take days to come out and longer to go, which needs to be part of the conversation before you start rather than a discovery on Monday.
What people get wrong
Assuming a household object must be a mild one. It is the opposite, and the same applies to hairbrushes and rulers. Severity comes from area and rigidity, not from whether the thing was bought in a specialist shop.
Using it on the spur of the moment because it is to hand. The domestic fantasy is about spontaneity, which sits badly with the fact that this is one of the implements most likely to leave a bruise. Agree it in advance like anything else, then perform the spontaneity if that is what you want.
And going for the number rather than the effect. A handful with a wooden spoon on a properly warmed backside is a real punishment. Thirty is an injury with a story attached to it.
Common questions
Does a wooden spoon hurt more than a hand?
Considerably more, and more than most people expect from a kitchen object. The bowl is small, hard and unyielding, so it concentrates force into a few square inches with no give at all. A wooden spoon delivers a sharp, deep, focused sting and bruises far more readily than a slipper or a bare hand.
Is a wooden spoon safe to use?
On the fullest part of the buttocks, at moderate force, with a spoon you have checked for cracks, yes. The risks are that cheap spoons snap and leave splinters, that the small hard head bruises deeply, and that the handle is easy to catch on the hip or tailbone. Keep to the meat of the seat and stop well before you think you need to.