Sub drop
The crash that can arrive a day or two after a session. Tired, tearful, ashamed of something that was entirely fine at the time, and convinced the other person has gone cold. It is common, it is temporary, and knowing its name in advance takes most of the sting out of it.
Consenting adults only. Everything on this page is about adults over 18 who have freely agreed to it.
In short
- Drop usually arrives one to three days after a session rather than on the night.
- Typical signs are flatness, tearfulness, aching, and a conviction that the other person regrets it.
- Contact on day two and day three helps more than anything done on the night.
- If it lasts beyond a few days or turns darker, treat it as a health matter. Samaritans 116 123.
Everything on this page concerns consenting adults over 18. The longer version is on the sub drop guide page.
What it means
Sub drop is the name for a low period that can follow a session. The misleading part is the timing. People expect it that evening, when in fact the evening is usually fine, and it turns up on Monday afternoon out of nowhere.
What it feels like, from the accounts I have collected and from my own experience of the equivalent on the other side: flat, heavy, close to tears over nothing, achy in a way that seems out of proportion to any actual marks, embarrassed about things that felt entirely right on Saturday, and certain that the other person has quietly gone off you.
The physiological account involves a drop in the hormonal and neurochemical state a session produces. I think it is probably part of the story and I would not defend the detail. What I am confident about is the pattern, because it recurs across people who have never compared notes.
In practice
Name it before it happens. Telling someone on the night that they may feel strange in two days, and that it is normal and will pass, removes most of the fear when it arrives. Half of what makes drop frightening is not knowing that it has a name.
Arrange contact for day two rather than only the morning after. Sunday morning is when nobody needs it. A message on Monday evening does more than an hour of talking on Saturday night.
Practical things that reliably help. Eat properly, including something sweet. Sleep. Keep warm. Do something ordinary with other people. Do not reread the messages. And make no decisions about the relationship, the arrangement or whether you are a terrible person until it has passed, because none of those judgements are being made by you.
Tops get their own version. See top drop, which looks different and is more often mistaken for guilt.
Where people go wrong
Reading drop as a verdict. It arrives with a story attached, usually that the session was shameful or that the other person is disgusted with you, and the story is convincing precisely because it feels like insight. It is not insight. It is a chemical weather system with an opinion.
Assuming it means something went wrong. Drop follows good sessions as readily as bad ones, and often the better the session the sharper the descent afterwards.
And treating aftercare as the cure. Aftercare on the night helps and does not prevent it. The prevention, as far as there is any, is a scene that was properly ended, food, sleep and someone in touch on Tuesday.
If low mood carries on past a few days, deepens, or brings thoughts of harming yourself, that is beyond the scope of anything here. Samaritans, 116 123, free, any time, any day. Mind has information at mind.org.uk. Your GP is a reasonable next step and you do not have to explain the context to get help with the mood.
Common questions
What does sub drop feel like?
A low, flat, sometimes tearful state that can arrive after a session, usually one to three days later rather than immediately. It typically brings tiredness, aching, a sense of shame or regret that does not match how good the evening was, and a conviction that the other person has gone off you. It generally lifts within a couple of days.
How do you deal with sub drop?
Expect it, name it in advance, and arrange contact for the second and third day rather than only the first. Eat properly, sleep, keep warm and avoid making decisions about the relationship while it lasts. If low mood persists beyond a few days or turns into anything darker, treat it as a mental health matter rather than a kink one and speak to your GP.