Pet name
Of everything in an arrangement between two adults, this is the item most likely to be assumed rather than agreed, and the one most likely to quietly ruin an evening.
Consenting adults only. Everything on this page is about adults over 18 who have freely agreed to it.
In short
- An agreed form of address, either a title upward or an affectionate name downward.
- A word that delights one person makes another cringe. There is no universally safe option.
- Agree it explicitly, and agree separately where it is used: private only, messages, or in front of scene friends.
- Between consenting adults over 18, always, and private unless both people agree otherwise.
Between consenting adults over 18, all of it, and the words stay with the two people who agreed them.
What it means
Pet name covers two related things. The title used upward, if there is one: sir, ma'am, or a first name used in a particular tone. And the name used downward, which might be a nickname, an affectionate word, or something that belongs only to the dynamic.
In practice
Names do a startling amount of work. A form of address is the cheapest way to move between registers: one word and you are both somewhere else, without any ceremony or preamble. That is why a title used at the start of an evening is often more effective at establishing the dynamic than anything more elaborate.
The version I would suggest to anybody setting this up is to agree three things. What the word is. Where it applies, meaning private only, or messages too, or in front of people from the scene. And what happens on a bad day, since it should be possible to drop out of it without a conversation about why.
A small thing I have found useful: try the word out loud during the negotiation, in the cafe, before it is loaded with anything. If saying it makes one of you laugh or wince, better to find out then. Words that read beautifully in a message sometimes cannot be said at all.
The common misreading
Assuming their own reaction is general. This is the real negotiation point and it catches people constantly. There are women who melt at a particular word of praise and women who find the same word patronising to the point of anger, and neither is being difficult. Pet, kitten, darling, and every title going, all have people who love them and people who cannot stand them. The word is not the problem. Assuming is.
The second error is treating a refused name as a refusal of the dynamic. It is not. Somebody can be entirely happy taking instruction, and being spanked, and following protocol, and still find one particular word unbearable. Swap the word. Anybody who insists on the specific word, or who frames your discomfort with it as a shortfall in your submission, has told you what they are actually interested in.
Third, and much duller: names leak. A title used in a message that somebody else picks up, or a word that slips out in a pub with colleagues, is the commonest way people out themselves accidentally. Decide the boundary early rather than after it happens.
Use nothing. A great many long-running arrangements run entirely on first names, and a first name said in a particular tone carries as much authority as any title. The absence of a pet name is not a gap that needs filling.
Common questions
What do you call your partner in a D/s dynamic?
Whatever the two of you have actually agreed, which is usually far plainer than people expect. Common options are sir or ma'am for the person in authority, and a first name, a nickname or a chosen word for the other. Many long-running arrangements use no title at all and work perfectly well.
What if a pet name makes me cringe?
Say so, before it becomes established. There is no name that works universally, and a word that one person finds warming genuinely makes another person want to leave the room. Naming is a preference, not a test of commitment, and a partner who treats your discomfort with a word as a failure of submission has answered a different question.