House rules
Two uses, both common. The domestic one is the agreements a couple live by. The other is the list on the wall at a club, which is a different thing entirely and just as worth reading.
Consenting adults only. Everything on this page is about adults over 18 who have freely agreed to it.
In short
- In a dynamic: standing rules agreed by adults over 18, with consequences decided in advance.
- Few and checkable beats many and atmospheric. Two or three is a sensible start.
- Every rule needs a review date, and the whole agreement needs an exit written in plain words.
- At a venue: the published conduct rules, enforced by the dungeon monitors.
Adults only, throughout. These are agreements between consenting people over 18.
What it means
In a discipline dynamic, house rules are the standing agreements: the things expected as a matter of routine rather than in a particular scene. The kitchen cleared every night. A specific admin task by a specific date. Whatever the two people involved decided actually matters.
The other use is the conduct rules of a venue: no phones, no unsolicited touching, no drink in play areas, clear the equipment after use. Those are posted at the door and enforced by the monitors, and reading them takes two minutes. There is more about that side of things on etiquette.
This entry is mostly about the first sense. The full working treatment is on rules and agreements.
In practice
The rules that work are boring, specific and checkable without an argument about interpretation. Gym twice a week. Tax return submitted by the date on the calendar. You can tell whether they happened, and so can she, which means nobody is relying on anybody's mood.
The rules that fail describe attitudes. Be more respectful. Have a better outlook. Try harder. Nobody can meet those because nobody can tell when they have, and what actually happens is that compliance becomes a matter of whether the person with the authority felt like being satisfied that day. That is weather, and weather is not a rule.
What I would insist on in any list:
- Few. Two or three that matter, not fourteen that do not.
- Written down, because memory quietly edits itself in favour of whoever is annoyed.
- A consequence attached before the rule is ever broken.
- A review date on the calendar, so the list can be changed without a crisis.
- An exit clause in ordinary English, saying how either person ends the whole arrangement.
- A note of who wrote each rule, which is more revealing than it sounds.
That last one is worth expanding. If every rule was written by the person holding the authority, you have a list of his preferences rather than a shared structure. The arrangements I have seen last are the ones where the person being held to the rules chose most of them, because she knew what she actually wanted help with.
Where people go wrong
Writing too many. The first draft is always too long. Fifteen rules feels serious and produces an arrangement nobody can comply with.
Letting the list creep. It started with the gym and the kitchen. Six months later it covers who she has coffee with and what she spends. Nobody decided that, it accumulated, and it is the pattern escalation describes.
And leaving out the exit. A structure you cannot leave is not one you chose, and writing down how it ends is the thing that keeps the rest of it voluntary.
Anything that reaches money, contact with friends and family, medical care, work, or leaving the house is not a house rule. That is the pattern section 76 of the Serious Crime Act 2015 covers in England and Wales, it needs no violence, and agreement is not a defence to it. National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247. Men's Advice Line 0808 8010 327. Samaritans 116 123.
Where this page mentions the law, it is general information written from an England and Wales position unless it says otherwise, and it is not legal advice. Scotland and Northern Ireland have their own law. If your own legal position matters, speak to a solicitor.
Common questions
What are house rules in a discipline dynamic?
They are the standing rules two adults agree will apply in their home, with consequences attached in advance. The useful ones are few and checkable: a deadline for a specific task, an agreed number of gym visits. Rules that describe an attitude rather than an action cannot be met and produce arguments instead of accountability.
How many house rules should you start with?
Two or three to start with. Almost every arrangement that collapses did so because it began with a dozen, which turns the whole thing into a machine for generating punishments and teaches the person being held to them that compliance is impossible. Add more later if the first ones are working and both of you still want to.