Grounding
Intense play takes people somewhere else on purpose, and somebody has to bring them back. These are the plain, unglamorous techniques that do it, borrowed from anxiety work and none the worse for that.
Consenting adults only. Everything on this page is about adults over 18 who have freely agreed to it.
In short
- Grounding means techniques for returning attention to the present, used in aftercare and during drop.
- It is standard psychological practice and works whether or not anything kinky came before it.
- Something cold in the hands and a question with a real answer work faster than reassurance does.
- Samaritans 116 123, free, any time, if what you need is more than a technique.
Everything on this page concerns consenting adults over 18.
What it means
Grounding in the psychological sense means techniques for reconnecting with the here and now when your attention has drifted somewhere unhelpful: floating, dissociated, panicky, or stuck in a thought loop. It is standard practice in anxiety and trauma work, and it has an obvious place here, because intense play deliberately produces an altered state and people have to come back out of it.
The ones that actually work, in my experience of using them and having them used on me.
- Five things you can see, four you can hear, three you can touch, two you can smell, one you can taste. Slow, out loud, with somebody listening.
- Something cold in the hands. A drink from the fridge, a cold flannel on the back of the neck. This works faster than talking does.
- Bare feet flat on the floor, weight pushed down through them.
- Breathing with the out-breath longer than the in. Four in, six or seven out, for a couple of minutes.
- A question with a real answer in it. What day is it, what did you have for lunch. Not are you all right, because yes is automatic.
Use them during aftercare when someone is a long way under, and use them on a Tuesday when drop arrives. They are also useful in the middle of a scene that has tipped somewhere unexpected, which happens most often with humiliation material.
Where people go wrong
Using it to avoid a conversation. If somebody is distressed because of what happened rather than because of chemistry, a breathing exercise is not the answer. Ask what went wrong. Grounding techniques settle a nervous system; they do not repair a broken agreement.
And asking are you all right in place of any of the above. The answer is yes, it arrives instantly, and it tells you nothing about where the person actually is.
If it is more than a bad evening
Samaritans, 116 123, free, 24 hours, any reason. Mind has practical information on grounding and anxiety at mind.org.uk. If the problem is how someone is treating you, the National Domestic Abuse Helpline is 0808 2000 247 and the Men's Advice Line is 0808 8010 327.
Common questions
What are grounding techniques for after a scene?
Grounding in the psychological sense means bringing attention back to the present when someone is floaty, dissociated or distressed. The common methods are naming five things you can see, four you can hear and so on, holding something cold, putting bare feet flat on the floor, and slow breathing with a longer out-breath than in-breath. They are standard anxiety techniques and they work well during the comedown after intense play.