Consent
The word does a lot of work and gets used as though it were a single event. It is closer to a running condition, checked repeatedly, that either person can end at any point for no stated reason.
Consenting adults only. Everything on this page is about adults over 18 who have freely agreed to it.
In short
- Consent is specific, informed and revocable, given by an adult with the capacity to give it.
- It is checked during a scene as well as agreed before one. See check-in.
- Agreeing to something is not the same as wanting it. Pressure, obligation and fear of disappointing all produce a yes.
- Under R v Brown [1993], consent is not a defence to actual bodily harm in England and Wales.
What it means
Consent is the agreement that makes everything on this site different from assault. It has to be given by an adult who understands what is being proposed, it has to be about specific things rather than a general licence, and it has to remain revocable throughout. How that gets agreed in practice is on negotiation.
The most useful thing I can add to the definition is the distinction between agreeing and wanting. People agree to things for all sorts of reasons that have nothing to do with desire: to be liked, to avoid an awkward conversation, because they have already come all the way across London, because saying no now would seem inconsistent with having said yes an hour ago. All of those produce a yes. None of them produce a good evening.
In practice
What consent looks like on a Tuesday night is unremarkable. A conversation beforehand about what is on and off the table. Colours agreed. A physical signal agreed in case speech goes. Someone asking for a colour every few minutes. Someone saying amber, and the other person adjusting without a sigh.
Two rules I hold to. Limits can be narrowed during a scene but never widened, because a yes given by someone deep in headspace is not worth relying on. And nothing inside a fiction outranks a red, whatever the fiction says.
In ongoing arrangements the same principle applies over longer periods. Rules agreed in January are still yours to renegotiate in June, and a partner who treats the original agreement as binding rather than current has stopped describing consent and started describing control.
The common misreading
The biggest error is treating consent as a signature obtained at the start, after which the evening runs on rails. It is a condition that either person can end, and ending it needs no reason, no explanation and no apology.
The second is confusing enthusiasm with capacity. Someone who has been drinking, or who is deeply in headspace, or who is exhausted, can be extremely enthusiastic and still not in a position to agree to something new.
The third is legal. A great many people assume that because both adults agreed in private, nothing that follows can be a crime. UK law does not work that way. See is it legal.
If your consent was not respected
If someone went past what you agreed, or pressured you into agreeing, that is not a mistake in etiquette. The National Domestic Abuse Helpline is 0808 2000 247, free and 24 hours. The Men's Advice Line is 0808 8010 327. The Samaritans are on 116 123 at any hour, and you do not have to explain any of the rest of this to them.
Sources
- R v Brown [1993] UKHL 19. bailii.org
- Serious Crime Act 2015, s.76 (controlling or coercive behaviour). legislation.gov.uk
Where this page mentions the law, it is general information written from an England and Wales position unless it says otherwise, and it is not legal advice. Scotland and Northern Ireland have their own law. If your own legal position matters, speak to a solicitor.
Common questions
What does consent mean in BDSM?
Consent means a specific, informed agreement between adults who each have the capacity to give it, made in advance about particular activities and able to be withdrawn at any point without cost. It is a running condition rather than a one-off permission, which is why it gets checked during a scene as well as before one.
Can you consent to being caned in the UK?
In law, not reliably. Under R v Brown [1993] consent is not a defence to actual bodily harm in England and Wales, so an injury above the level of transient marking can in principle be prosecuted regardless of agreement. Prosecutions of consenting adults in private are rare, but the legal position is not what most people assume.