# Should I tell my partner? > The case for telling, the real cases against, and the middle route most people take. Plus the timing and wording that make the conversation survivable. - Canonical URL: https://consensualspanking.co.uk/questions/should-i-tell-my-partner/ - Section: Questions - Updated: November 2026 (2026-11-01) - Audience: consenting adults over 18 only. Everything on this site concerns consenting adults over 18. This is the question that keeps people awake, sometimes for years. I have had the conversation in both directions and watched friends have it, and the outcomes are far less catastrophic and far less tidy than people imagine. --- ## In short - Most disclosures in stable relationships go better than the person expected, though rarely as well as they hoped in one sitting. - There are genuine reasons not to tell, and safety is the main one. - The middle route works: raise the subject in general terms first and read the response before saying anything about yourself. - Timing decides a great deal. Not during sex, not during an argument, not with a deadline attached. In a stable relationship where you are not afraid of the other person, usually yes. It tends to go better than people expect and worse than they hope, which is to say it becomes an ongoing conversation rather than a single scene with a resolution. But not always, and the exceptions are not a technicality. Some people have good reasons to keep this to themselves and are made to feel dishonest for it, which is unfair. ## The case for telling The main one is that carrying it alone is heavy, and it gets heavier. People describe fifteen years of a private compartment and the accumulated weight of it, which usually costs more than the conversation would have. The second is that the alternative routes are worse. Undisclosed interests have a way of finding an outlet eventually, and the version that starts with a deleted browser history and a secret app is far more damaging to a relationship than the version that starts with a difficult Tuesday evening. See [is it cheating](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/questions/is-it-cheating/). And there is the thing nobody expects: a decent proportion of partners are interested. Not all, and I would not build hope on it. But this is common enough that assuming a horrified reaction is often just projection of your own shame onto somebody who has not earned it. ## The case against Safety first. If your partner has ever used something you told them in confidence as a weapon, if there is any history of coercion, monitoring or threats, then disclosure hands them material. That is not paranoia, it is a reasonable assessment, and nobody is obliged to disclose into an unsafe relationship. Second, there are relationships where the honest cost is very high and the honest benefit is very low. Somebody in their seventies in a long marriage that works, with an interest they have no intention of acting on, is not obviously wrong to leave it alone. I am aware that is an unfashionable position. Third, timing that is not yours to choose. Bereavement, illness, a partner in the middle of their own crisis. Waiting six months is a decision, not cowardice. ## The practical middle Most people do not go from silence to full disclosure in one step, and there is no reason to. What works is raising the territory before raising yourself. - Use something outside you. A television programme, a novel, an article, a thing a friend mentioned. "Did you see this? What did you make of it?" costs you nothing and tells you a great deal about how they think. - Ask about them first. "Is there anything you have ever wanted to try that you have not mentioned?" is a genuine question and it changes the shape of the whole conversation, because you are not the only one exposed. - Start smaller than the truth. "I like it a bit rougher than we do" is a real sentence that opens a door without putting a cane on the table in the first minute. - Give them a route back. "You do not have to say anything now" removes the pressure to produce an instant verdict, and instant verdicts are almost always more negative than considered ones. The full-length version of this, including what to do with each of the likely responses, is on [asking your partner](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/guide/asking-your-partner/). ## Timing and setting Not during sex, and not immediately afterwards. It sounds like a demand rather than a disclosure, and anything said in that half hour gets re-read later in a worse light. Not during an argument, not after drinking, and not with a deadline attached. A weekday evening with nothing following it. Side by side rather than opposite, which sounds like a small thing and genuinely lowers the temperature: a car, a walk and a washing-up bowl have all worked better for people I know than a kitchen table. ## What to expect afterwards The most common first response is not disgust. It is confusion, followed by a question you did not anticipate, followed by several days of nothing while they think. That silence is the hardest part and it is usually not what you fear it is. Expect a second conversation, and a third. First responses are rarely final in either direction, and plenty of people who said an immediate no came back two months later with questions. Equally, plenty of enthusiastic first responses quietly fade. Neither is a betrayal. > **One line worth having ready.** "I am not asking you to do anything. I am telling you because I would rather you knew who you are married to." It removes the implied demand, which is the thing most partners react badly to, and it is usually the truth. ## If it goes badly Some do. A partner may be hurt, may feel deceived by the years of silence, or may simply not want any part of it. All of that is allowed, and the page on [what if my partner is not interested](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/questions/what-if-my-partner-is-not-interested/) deals with the aftermath. What is not allowed is the disclosure being turned into a permanent lever against you: brought up in every argument, threatened as something they could tell people, used to extract compliance. That is a different problem with a different name. > ## If telling would not be safe > > > > The National Domestic Abuse Helpline is 0808 2000 247, free and 24 hours. The Men's Advice Line is 0808 8010 327. The Samaritans are on 116 123 at any hour, about anything. Controlling or coercive behaviour in a relationship is an offence in England and Wales under section 76 of the Serious Crime Act 2015. See [consent and coercive control](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/discipline/consent-and-coercive-control/). ## Read next - [Asking your partner](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/guide/asking-your-partner/) - [Is it cheating?](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/questions/is-it-cheating/) - [Am I normal?](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/why/am-i-normal/) - [Getting help and support](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/support/) - [Should I tell my friends?](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/questions/should-i-tell-my-friends/) ## Sources 1. Serious Crime Act 2015, section 76 (controlling or coercive behaviour in an intimate or family relationship). [legislation.gov.uk](https://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/2015/9/section/76) > **Not legal advice.** Where this page mentions the law, it is general information written from an England and Wales position unless it says otherwise, and it is not legal advice. Scotland and Northern Ireland have their own law. If your own legal position matters, speak to a solicitor. ## Common questions ### Should I tell my partner I am into spanking? For most people in a stable relationship, yes, and it usually goes better than expected. The exceptions are real: if disclosure would put you at risk of harm, or would be used against you in a relationship that is already controlling, then safety comes first and telling can wait or not happen at all. There is also a middle route where you raise the subject in general terms and see what comes back before saying anything about yourself. ### When is the worst time to tell a partner about a kink? During or just after sex, during an argument, when either of you has been drinking, or when one of you has to leave in twenty minutes. Pick a weekday evening with nothing after it, sitting side by side rather than face to face, with a clear ending available to both of you.