# Should I tell my friends? > Whether to tell a vanilla friend at all, how to choose the one person, what to say, how much detail to give, and what to do if it goes badly or gets passed on. - Canonical URL: https://consensualspanking.co.uk/questions/should-i-tell-my-friends/ - Section: Questions - Updated: November 2026 (2026-11-01) - Audience: consenting adults over 18 only. Everything on this site concerns consenting adults over 18. Most people who do this tell nobody, and a few tell everyone at a dinner party after the second bottle. Neither works especially well. What I suggest instead is one friend, chosen carefully, and told rather less than you think you need to say. --- ## In short - Nobody is owed this. The best reasons to tell one friend are relief from editing yourself and a safe call who understands what you are doing. - Choose the person by how they treat secrets that belong to other people, not by how close you are. - A plain sentence and very little detail works better than a full explanation. Detail is what makes a secret worth repeating. - If it gets passed on, decline to discuss it rather than lying. If it turns into a threat, that is [blackmail](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/guide/scams-and-blackmail/), not gossip. This page is about friends outside the scene, the ones you know from work or from fifteen years of each other's birthdays, and whether to tell them that you are into consensual spanking between adults over 18. Telling a partner has its own page at [should I tell my partner](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/questions/should-i-tell-my-partner/). This one has lower stakes and is often harder to do, because nothing ever forces it. ## Do you need to tell anyone at all? No. Plenty of people keep it entirely private and are perfectly happy. If that is you, there is a page on [doing this without anyone knowing](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/questions/can-i-do-this-without-anyone-knowing/). The costs of telling are real. It cannot be untold, and once one person knows, you control only how likely it is that anyone else will. The friendship may shift a little, usually for a few weeks. The benefits are harder to picture until you have them. One person you do not edit yourself around is a bigger relief than people expect. And there is the one people think of only afterwards: if something ever goes wrong, the worst time to tell a friend for the first time is that same night, because you end up coming out and asking for help in one phone call. My view, held fairly firmly, is that one friend is the right number for most people. Not a group, and ideally not nobody. ## Choosing the one person Not necessarily your closest friend. The test I use is how they treat secrets that belong to other people. If a friend has ever passed on to you something told to them in confidence, they will pass on yours, however fond of you they are. Somebody who gossips to you is telling you their policy. - Do they tell their partner everything? Plenty of people do not count that as telling anyone. Assume the partner will hear, and decide whether you can live with it. - How do they talk about other people's private lives? Someone who sneers at a mutual friend's dating choices will find something to sneer at in yours. And rule out drink, on both sides. Anything said after your third glass gets repeated after somebody else's. ## What to actually say The first thing a friend feels when you say "can I tell you something?" is fear for you. They are braced for a diagnosis or a divorce. So get the reassurance in before the content, and keep the content to a sentence. - "Can I tell you something slightly odd about me? It is not bad news." - "I am into spanking. Consensual, between adults, and I am completely fine. I just wanted somebody to know." - "I am meeting someone on Saturday through a kink site, and I want you to be the person who has their details." Pick somewhere either of you can change the subject after five minutes. A walk works. A table where other people might join you does not. A message is fine if saying it aloud is beyond you, but messages get forwarded, so keep it short. ## Less detail than you think Most people overshare out of nerves, and later regret the specifics far more than the fact. Your friend will usually ask one or two questions, and they are nearly always the same ones. Does it hurt? Is the person nice to you? Answer what they asked and stop. You do not need to describe a session or show anyone a mark, and I would never show anyone a photograph. Detail is also what makes a secret repeatable. "She is into something a bit kinky" is too dull to bother passing on. A vivid account of last Saturday is an anecdote, and anecdotes travel. ## When it lands badly Most first reactions are mild: surprise, a laugh, one question and a change of subject. The bad ones come in two kinds. ### Jokes The commoner, and mostly nerves. A joke in the moment is fine, and if it is funny, laugh. A running joke is not, particularly in front of other people, because that is telling them by instalments. Deal with it privately and once: "I told you that in confidence. Please do not bring it up around other people." Most friends are mortified and stop at once. ### Moralising "That is abuse." "Did something happen to you?" This is usually a friend reaching for the nearest frame, and you do not need to win the argument. One answer, no debate: "I have thought about this for a lot longer than the last two minutes. I am fine, and you can ask me again in six months." If you want to send them something afterwards, [is spanking abuse](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/questions/is-spanking-abuse/) and [does wanting this mean I was abused](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/questions/does-wanting-this-mean-i-was-abused/) were written for that. A friend who is worried you are being hurt is doing what a friend should. Hear the worry once and check it honestly against the tests on [consent and coercive control](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/discipline/consent-and-coercive-control/), because someone outside an arrangement can sometimes see what you cannot. If they keep pressing after you have answered, that is disapproval dressed as concern, and you can close the subject. If the reaction is only awkwardness, carry on as normal. The friendship usually takes its cue from you. ## If it gets passed on It has probably travelled less far than you fear. Usually one person, quite often a partner. Talk to the friend who passed it on, directly and once, in person if you can. Find out what was said and to whom, and tell them plainly that it was not theirs to share. What you do about the friendship can wait a week. If somebody else raises it, I would decline to discuss it rather than confirm or deny. "That is private, and I do not talk about it", said flatly and repeated if necessary, ends almost every conversation. I would not lie, because a lie has to be maintained and the truth is already out. If someone starts using it as leverage, threatening to tell your employer unless you do something, that is blackmail rather than gossip. The page on [scams, sextortion and blackmail](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/guide/scams-and-blackmail/) covers what to do, including ringing 101. ## The friend who is your safe call This is the strongest practical reason to tell someone. When you meet somebody new, one person should have their name, photograph and number, where you are going, a check-in time and a plan for what happens if you miss it. The protocol is on [meeting safely](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/guide/meeting-safely/), and it matters most before a [first session](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/guide/first-time/). You can do that without explaining the kink. But a safe call who knows enough is better. They know that a late message from a hotel room is not the same as a late message from a restaurant. They know to ask "did they stop when you asked?" the next day. And if the evening goes badly, the call you make at midnight is "it went wrong", not a long explanation followed by "and it went wrong". The arrangement I suggest: one friend knows the general shape of what you do, gets the specifics on the day, and hears nothing in between unless you want to tell them. ## Friends in the scene, and friends outside it Friends from [munches](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/uk/munches/) and events are different. You do not have to explain anything to them, and they can tell you whether someone has a reputation before you meet them. The drawback is that the scene is small and people inside it talk. What you tell a scene friend about someone you play with may reach that person within the month. Friends outside it have none of that context, which is their value. They have no stake in who you play with, and they are better placed to notice whether you seem all right as a person. Most people do best with one of each in the end: the scene friend for the detail, the outside friend for the reality check. > ## If this is about more than privacy > > > > If the person you play with is the one discouraging you from telling anybody, or the secrecy has started to feel like isolation, the National Domestic Abuse Helpline is 0808 2000 247, free and 24 hours. The Men's Advice Line is 0808 8010 327. The Samaritans are on 116 123 at any hour, about anything. There is more on [getting help and support](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/support/). ## Read next - [Meeting safely](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/guide/meeting-safely/) - [Should I tell my partner?](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/questions/should-i-tell-my-partner/) - [Can I do this without anyone knowing?](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/questions/can-i-do-this-without-anyone-knowing/) - [What happens at a munch](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/uk/munches/) ## Common questions ### Should I tell my friends I am into spanking? You do not have to, and plenty of people never tell anyone. The best reasons to tell one friend are having somebody you do not have to edit yourself around, and having a safe call who understands what you are doing when you meet someone new. One well-chosen person is usually better than a group, and usually better than nobody. ### How do I tell a friend about my kink? Choose a quiet moment where either of you can change the subject after five minutes, and say early on that it is not bad news. Then one plain sentence: that you are into consensual spanking between adults and you are fine. Answer the questions they ask and stop there. Most friends want the headline, not the detail. ### What do I do if a friend tells other people about my kink? Talk to the friend who passed it on, directly and once, and find out what was said and to whom. If anyone else raises it, decline to discuss it rather than confirming or lying: a flat "that is private" ends most conversations. If someone starts using it as a threat, that is blackmail rather than gossip, and you can report it to the police on 101.