# Negotiation > Working out what you both want before anything happens: what to cover, why to do it somewhere neutral rather than in the moment, and what the talk tells you. - Canonical URL: https://consensualspanking.co.uk/guide/negotiation/ - Section: Safety and practice - Updated: November 2026 (2026-11-01) - Audience: consenting adults over 18 only. Everything on this site concerns consenting adults over 18. People expect this to be the boring administrative bit before the interesting part. It is not. It is where you find out who you are dealing with, and I have called things off at this stage more often than at any other. --- ## In short - Negotiation happens clothed, sober, and somewhere neutral, not five minutes beforehand in the room. - Cover limits, implements, marks and where they might be seen, safe words, aftercare, contact afterwards, and whether anything is being recorded. - Write it down or send it as a message, so there is something you can both point at later. - How someone conducts the negotiation tells you more about whether to proceed than anything else you will do. A negotiation is not a contract and it does not need to be formal. It is a conversation with a checklist behind it, and it can be done in twenty minutes over a coffee or in a long series of messages if that is easier. What it cannot be is skipped, or done at the point where one of you already has their hand on a cane. ## Not in the moment, and not in the room Have it somewhere neutral, on a different day if you can manage it. A pub, a café, a phone call, a written exchange. Both dressed, neither drunk, neither already turned on. The reason is simple enough. Arousal and anticipation change what people agree to, in a direction that is fairly predictable, and both of you are affected. Things sound reasonable at half past ten in a bedroom that would have sounded obviously wrong at four in the afternoon in a Costa. Deciding in the calm state and executing in the excited one is the whole design. Doing it in advance also gives you time to think, which is the part people lose when it happens on the night. Nobody produces their real limits under pressure with someone waiting for an answer. They produce the agreeable version. ## What to cover Roughly in this order. It is fine to read from a list, and honestly a bit better, because a list does not get embarrassed and skip the awkward item. | Topic | The question actually worth asking | | --- | --- | | What you want | What are you hoping tonight feels like? Not what acts, what feeling. Answers like "told off", "held down", "taken seriously" are more useful than a list of implements. | | Curiosities | What are you interested in but not sure about? Naming these as maybes rather than yeses keeps them from arriving as a surprise. | | Hard limits | What is absolutely not happening, tonight or ever? Include the ones that feel too obvious to say. See [limits](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/limits/). | | Soft limits | What is a maybe, and how will you signal that we are getting near it? Amber exists for this. | | Implements | Hand, strap, paddle, cane, hairbrush? Which are in and which are out, and is anything new being introduced tonight? See [implements](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/guide/implements/). | | Marks | Are marks acceptable, how visible, and how long. Then the real question: who might see you undressed, and when? Swimming, physio, a partner, a smear test on Thursday. | | Safe words | Which system, and what happens on amber as well as on red. Agree a non-verbal signal too. See [safe words](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/guide/safe-words/). | | The scene itself | Talking or quiet? Roleplay, and what are we calling each other? Which words for it work, and which are out? See [the words you share](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/guide/the-words-you-share/). Counting? Any touching beyond the spanking, and if so where and what is off. | | Health | Injuries, back or joint problems, asthma, epilepsy, medication that affects bruising or clotting, anything that has caused a bad reaction before. See [health conditions and medication](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/guide/health-and-medication/). | | Aftercare | What do you want afterwards, and are you staying or going? How are you getting home? See [aftercare](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/guide/aftercare/). | | Afterwards | Is this a one-off or the start of something? Who is checking in, and when? What are we telling anyone, if anyone? | | Recording | Photographs or video, yes or no. If yes, on whose device, for what, deleted when. If no, where are the phones during the scene. | The recording item deserves a sentence of its own. It is the one people forget in advance and mind about most afterwards, and "I did not think to say no" is not a position you want to be arguing from. If the answer is no, say it out loud and put the phones on a shelf. ## If saying any of it out loud is unbearable Write it down and send it. A message is a legitimate way to do this and it has an advantage: it exists afterwards. You can say things in writing that would strangle you in person, and you both get to reread it before the night rather than remembering it differently. Why that protects both people is on [trust, both ways](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/guide/trust-both-ways/), and there is a story about it, [two copies](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/fiction/two-copies/). Checklists help for the same reason. There are long yes/no/maybe lists circulating and they are all much of a muchness. The value is not the form, it is that it asks about things you would never have raised and gives you permission to answer without having introduced the subject yourself. ## The conversation is the test This is the part I would put in capitals if capitals were not shouting. The negotiation is not only how you agree the terms. It is the clearest look you will get at what this person is like, and you get it while fully dressed in a public place with your coat on. Things I watch for, in both directions: - Does he ask about you, or only announce what he likes? A negotiation that is one person reading their menu is not a negotiation. - Does anything get written down, or is it all "I will remember"? - What happens when you name a hard limit? The correct response is a nod and a note. The wrong ones are curiosity about why, a joke, or a bid to leave the door slightly open. - Does he offer his own limits? Everyone has some. A person with none is performing. - Does he bring up aftercare unprompted, or does it have to be dragged out of him? - Does anything new appear late, once you are already committed and it would be awkward to reopen everything? That last one is worth naming clearly. Adding an item at the end, small enough that objecting feels disproportionate, is a common way of moving a line. The response is not to weigh up whether the item is reasonable. It is to say that anything new goes in the next negotiation, not this one. ## It is a ceiling, not a schedule Everything you agree sets the outer edge of what may happen. None of it is a commitment that it will. You can withdraw any item at any point, including in the middle, including one you were keen on an hour earlier, and you do not have to justify it. Equally, a limit invented mid-scene is a real limit. "But you did not say that beforehand" is not an argument, it is an excuse, and anyone using it has told you where they think the agreement was pointing. On my side of it: if somebody adds a rule at eleven o'clock at night, that is simply the rule now. Renegotiate as things change. After a first session you both know a great deal more than you did, and the second conversation is usually shorter, more specific and considerably more honest than the first. > **If it goes badly.** A negotiation that leaves you uneasy has done its job. It cost you a coffee and an hour, and it happened in daylight with your own way home, which is exactly why it goes before the meeting rather than after it. Nobody is owed a session because a conversation went well up to a point. ## Read next - [The first session checklist](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/guide/first-session-checklist/) - [Agreeing how hard: intensity and expectations](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/guide/agreeing-how-hard/) - [Limits: mine, and how to write yours](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/limits/) - [Meeting safely](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/guide/meeting-safely/) - [A printable yes, no, maybe list](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/guide/yes-no-maybe-list/) ## Common questions ### What is negotiation in BDSM? Negotiation is the conversation you have before anything happens, where you both say what you want, what you will not do, and how it will be stopped. It covers limits, implements, marks, safe words, aftercare and what happens afterwards. It is done clothed and sober, well before the session, and ideally written down so there is a record you can both point at. ### What should you agree before a spanking session? What each of you wants and is curious about, hard limits and soft limits, which implements are in play, whether marks are acceptable and where they could be seen, the safe word system, what happens during the scene in terms of talk and roleplay, aftercare, contact afterwards, and whether anything is being photographed or recorded. Any health conditions or medication that affect bruising or pain should be mentioned too. ### Can you change your mind after negotiating? Yes, at any point, including in the middle of the scene and including about something you agreed to enthusiastically an hour earlier. Negotiation sets a ceiling on what can happen, not a floor of what must. Anyone who treats a prior agreement as binding once you have withdrawn it has misunderstood the entire arrangement.