# Men who play with men > Spanking between men: finding partners on the gay scene and online, sex and not sex, masculinity and asking to receive, size and strength, drink and drugs. - Canonical URL: https://consensualspanking.co.uk/guide/men-with-men/ - Section: Safety and practice - Updated: November 2026 (2026-11-01) - Audience: consenting adults over 18 only. Everything on this site concerns consenting adults over 18. Impact has been part of gay leather culture for a long time, and spanking between men is unremarkable in it. Even so, nearly everything written about this subject puts a woman somewhere in the room. This page is about two men, and the handful of things that changes. --- ## In short - The physical guidance is unchanged. Two male bodies need the same safe areas, warm-up and limits as anybody else. - Much of the online gay scene assumes that meeting means sex. If yours is not sexual, say so in writing before you meet. - Who tops or bottoms in bed predicts nothing about who wants to give or receive a spanking. - Drink and drugs are a firm no. Where chemsex is part of a scene, keep impact play well away from it. Two consenting adult men, both over 18. Everything on this page assumes the ordinary [negotiation](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/guide/negotiation/), a working [safe word](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/guide/safe-words/) and the anatomy on [where it is safe to strike](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/guide/where-it-is-safe-to-strike/), none of which changes. The companion page, [women who play with women](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/guide/women-with-women/), makes the same point from the other side. What follows is only what is different. ## What carries over unchanged The physical side, entirely. Same target area, same never list, same warm-up, same business with marks. Male bodies tend to carry less padding over the lower buttock and more hair over the skin a top would normally watch for colour, and both are covered on [when she spanks him](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/guide/when-she-spanks-him/), which holds just as well when the person holding the strap is a man. ## Sex, and the default assumption The part of the gay scene most men meet first is online, and much of it is built for arranging sex. That sets a default. A message about spanking sent through a hook-up app will usually be read as part of a sexual proposition, whatever the sender meant. For some men that is exactly right, and spanking is part of sex for them as it is for plenty of other people. For others it is not sexual at all, and that includes a fair number of straight and bisexual men who only want this from another man and have spent years worrying what that says about them. It says less than they fear. See [when your kink and your sexuality do not match](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/why/kink-and-orientation/). Either is fine. The trouble comes from two men arriving with opposite defaults. So say where yours sits, in writing and before you meet, and describe what will and will not happen rather than how you feel about it. [Does spanking have to be sexual?](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/guide/is-it-sexual/) sets out the range. Consent to a spanking is not consent to anything else, and that does not loosen because you are both men or because the venue is a sexual one. ## Top and bottom mean something else here Gay men arrive with a pair of labels already in use, and they get borrowed. The assumption is that a man who tops in bed will want to give a spanking and a man who bottoms will want to receive one. It predicts nothing. Plenty of men who are firmly one thing in bed want the opposite here, and a good many switch. The harder knot is masculinity. Parts of the scene, leather especially, prize a hard and commanding image, and a man who has built himself around it can find asking to go over another man's knee very difficult indeed. In a small world where people talk, it can feel like a loss of standing. It is not. The men who describe this most clearly tend to say that being allowed to put the image down for half an hour was the whole appeal, which is the same mechanism as [being in charge all week](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/why/being-in-charge-all-week/). If you are asking, say it plainly and once. If you are being asked, treat it as the trust it is, and keep it to yourself. ## Two strong bodies Two men are often closer in strength than most pairings this site describes, and sometimes the one receiving is the stronger. That changes a few things. Holding somebody down, and anything with a struggle in it, needs a firm agreement beforehand. A strong man who decides mid-scene that he does not want to be held down can hurt the person holding him, and a giver who responds by holding harder can hurt the receiver. Agree that a real struggle ends the scene rather than escalating it, and read [restraint, cuffs and being held](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/guide/restraint/) before anything involving ties. Strength cuts the other way as well. A man who lifts or boxes will hit a backside far harder than he realises, and the advice on [topping for the first time](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/guide/topping-for-the-first-time/) is as true for him as for anybody: start lighter than feels sensible and let the other man ask for more. Size matters for positions too, because a big man over a smaller man's knee is a real load on the smaller man's legs. See [bodies of different sizes](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/guide/bodies-of-different-sizes/). Then there is pride. Two men can quietly turn a spanking into an endurance contest, with the receiver refusing to use the safe word because it feels like losing and the giver reading silence as consent to carry on. The rule I would use is to say out loud, before you start, that the safe word is not a defeat. Then check in with questions that need a real answer, and watch the body rather than the bravado. [Reading your partner](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/guide/reading-your-partner/) has the signs. ## Finding men to play with The gay scene in the larger cities runs fetish nights at bars and clubs, and some of them have impact on the menu. Men-only munches and kink socials exist in a number of UK cities, and some spanking groups and parties are run for men only. They are usually listed in groups on the main kink platform rather than advertised. [Finding a partner in the UK](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/uk/finding-a-partner/) covers how that works, and [what happens at a munch](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/uk/munches/) covers your first one. The quicker route is online, and it tells you least. A profile on a dating app carries no history and nobody who knows you both. Use it to start a conversation and then switch to the slower route: a coffee in public, and ideally somebody mutual who can vouch. [Vetting a partner](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/guide/vetting-a-partner/) and [meeting safely](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/guide/meeting-safely/) apply in full. Tell a friend where you are going, with a check-in time and a plan for what happens if you miss it. Gay men have been lured to addresses through apps and then robbed or attacked, and the protocol is built for exactly that risk. Outside the cities the pool is small and everybody knows everybody, which is covered at [the scene outside London](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/uk/outside-london/). ## Drink, drugs and chemsex The rule on [drink, drugs and why not](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/guide/drink-and-drugs/) is the same here: two sober adults, nothing before or during. It needs saying again because in parts of the gay scene, drugs used to keep sex going for hours are a real and normalised presence, and a spanking arranged in that setting brings them into the room with it. The risks are specific. Stimulants mask pain and push up blood pressure, so a man can take far more than his body should and feel fine about it at the time. GHB and its relatives, taken with alcohol, can cause unconsciousness and stop breathing, and the margin between a dose and too much is narrow. Consent given in either state is not reliable. If there are drugs at a party, impact play is not happening there, and anybody who presses you to take something first has told you what you need to know. If this has landed close to home, your GP or the NHS page on [getting help with drugs](https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/addiction-support/drug-addiction-getting-help/) is a confidential place to start, and many sexual health clinics offer chemsex support without judgement. ## Safety, and the things men do not report Men are sexually assaulted, including by other men, and including in settings where something else had been agreed. Consent to a spanking does not cover anything further. Men who have had that line crossed often tell nobody, because they assume they will not be believed or that agreeing to the spanking means it does not count. It counts. Abuse also happens in relationships between men as it does anywhere else, and it sometimes uses a particular lever: the threat of outing a man who is not out at work or to his family. That is coercion, whatever the arrangement was called. The tests are on [consent and coercive control](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/discipline/consent-and-coercive-control/). > ### Support for men with men > > > > After sexual violence, a [sexual assault referral centre](https://www.nhs.uk/service-search/other-health-services/rape-and-sexual-assault-referral-centres) gives free, confidential care whether or not you report it. Switchboard, the LGBT+ support line, is on **0800 0119 100** and at [switchboard.lgbt](https://switchboard.lgbt), and you can ring it simply to talk. The Men's Advice Line is **0808 8010 327**, and Samaritans are on **116 123** at any hour. ## Read next - [Women who play with women](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/guide/women-with-women/) - [When your kink and your sexuality do not match](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/why/kink-and-orientation/) - [Drink, drugs and why not](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/guide/drink-and-drugs/) - [Fiction: two men](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/fiction/two-men/) - [Trans and non-binary people](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/guide/trans-and-non-binary/) ## Common questions ### Where do men find other men to spank or be spanked by? Mostly through men-only kink groups and munches, and through fetish nights at gay venues in the larger cities. Online is quicker but tells you the least, so use it to start a conversation rather than to arrange a meeting. Getting known in a group first is slower and works far better. ### Does spanking between two men have to be sexual? No. Plenty of men want the spanking and nothing else, including straight men who only want it from another man. The difficulty is that much of the online gay scene assumes any meeting is sexual, so a man who wants it non-sexual has to say so plainly, in writing, before anybody meets. ### Is it safe to play when drink or drugs are around? No. Alcohol and drugs remove the judgement of force and the ability to notice injury, and they make consent unreliable in both directions. In parts of the gay scene, drugs used to prolong sex are a real presence, and GHB taken with alcohol can cause unconsciousness and stop breathing. If substances are in the room, impact play is not.