# Writing a first message > What to actually write when you message somebody about spanking: how long, what to put in, what to leave out, three examples in full, and how to answer one. - Canonical URL: https://consensualspanking.co.uk/guide/first-message/ - Section: Safety and practice - Updated: November 2026 (2026-11-01) - Audience: consenting adults over 18 only. Everything on this site concerns consenting adults over 18. This is the point where most people freeze. The box is open, the cursor is going, and twenty minutes later the tab gets closed. I have been at both ends of it, writing the thing and deciding whether it deserved an answer, so this is what actually gets read. --- ## In short - Two or three short paragraphs, roughly 80–200 words. One specific detail from their profile does more work than the rest of the message put together. - Say outright that you are new. It gets better replies than pretending to experience you do not have. - Never open with Sir or Mistress, or write as though somebody already has authority over you. It is the commonest opening mistake. - Most messages get no reply. That is the ordinary outcome and it carries almost no information about you. I get three or four messages in a good week. That is nothing. A woman with a visible profile gets tens, sometimes hundreds, and I have sat in a pub while one of them scrolled through a fortnight of hers to show me. Nearly all said hi. One was worth answering. Where to look is [finding a partner in the UK](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/uk/finding-a-partner/). Checking them out afterwards is [vetting a partner](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/guide/vetting-a-partner/). This is the text box in between. ## Why hi gets nothing back The person reading has a sorting problem. They cannot answer everybody, so they want a reason to open one message rather than the other twenty-nine. Hi gives them nothing. The only available reply is hi back, and the conversation is now their job to build. Hey, how are you is the same message in a coat. The test I use on my own drafts is whether I could send it to somebody else unchanged. If I could, it was never addressed to them, and they can tell. ## How long Two or three short paragraphs. Somewhere between eighty and two hundred words. People overcorrect, and the long ones fail in their own way. I have been sent eight hundred words: full history and every fantasy in order, plus an account of a marriage. There is no answering that at a bus stop, and it arrives before trust exists, so the courteous options are a big commitment of time or nothing. Mine were the long kind. Early on I sent a woman in Bristol close to a thousand words, everything I had ever done, having decided thoroughness was a form of respect. She never replied, rightly. ## What belongs in it - One specific thing from their profile, of a kind only visible to somebody who read it: a line about hating to be rushed, a group they post in, the fact they only meet in daylight. - One line on what you are looking for. Broad is fine this early. - One line on your experience or lack of it. If you have played before, give a real number and offer references unprompted. - A question that can be answered without an essay. Say it if you are new. Experienced people are used to new. What puts them off is somebody claiming twelve years who then cannot answer a straightforward question about limits, which surfaces during [negotiation](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/guide/negotiation/) anyway. ## What does not belong in it Your life story. A list of requirements. Anything sexual, at all. Photographs nobody asked for. Pet names before you have met. And any form of address that assumes a dynamic which does not exist yet. That last one is the commonest own goal there is, and the people doing it are being polite. Opening with Sir, or writing as though a stranger already has authority over you, gives away the only thing you hold before you know whether they should have it. It filters the wrong way too: whoever takes it unearned is who you least want. Use their username. More at [do I have to call him Sir](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/questions/do-i-have-to-call-him-sir/). ## Two that work > Hello. I found you through the Leeds group and read your post about warm-ups, the first thing that has made any of this make sense to me. > > > > I have never done this with anybody, and would rather find out properly than carry on reading about it. > > > > If you are open to talking I would want a coffee somewhere public first, nothing expected after. Do you go to the munch on the first Tuesday? She proved she read something specific, and said where she stands without apologising four times over. The closing question can be answered in a word. > Hi. Your profile says you are still working out whether this is something you want to try, which is an unusually honest thing to say. > > > > I have been at this about fifteen years, both sides, mostly hand and strap, and can give you two people to write to. Happy to answer questions with nothing attached, including if the answer turns out to be no. > > > > Are you near the Sunday munch in south London? Easiest thing is to say hello in a pub with thirty people in it. He hands over references before anybody asked, and suggests the public meeting unprompted, which does most of the work. ## And one that fails > Hello Mistress, I hope you do not mind me writing. I have been interested in this for years and never told a soul. I am 43 and married but she does not know. I am looking for someone strict who can take me in hand and give me the discipline I need. I will be utterly devoted to you. I have attached a photo. Please reply, I have nobody else to talk to. The address at the top, an enormous disclosure before any trust exists, the photograph, the instant devotion, requirements stated as needs. Then the last sentence, which shuts the door: it makes a stranger responsible for his loneliness, so she must choose between taking that on and feeling cruel. The third option is silence. None of that content is shameful. Wanting this for years, having nobody who knows: both ordinary, and half the people reading this have recognised themselves. The problem is where it has been put, and most of it belongs in the fourth conversation. ## Answering one The reply need not be long either. Answer what they asked and add one thing about yourself. Hold back your surname, employer, area beyond the nearest city and anything identifying in a photograph, covered at [photographs and video](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/guide/photographs-and-video/). A slow reply is not a rejection. People have jobs, and evenings where the app never gets opened. I once took nine days over a message I badly wanted to answer, because I kept failing to find half an hour to write it decently. ## Reading what comes back The good signs are dull. They answer what you asked. They ask something back, and meeting in public comes up without you pushing for it. The ones to watch are warmth arriving faster than the facts can support, pressure onto WhatsApp straight away, photographs requested early, and irritation at a condition you set. The full warning lists are at [red flags](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/guide/red-flags/) and [scams and blackmail](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/guide/scams-and-blackmail/). ## Silence is the normal outcome I cannot give you a real figure and would rather admit that than round one up. Of the messages I sent with care, perhaps one in four got any answer, half of those ran past a week, and two across several years became something. What I know about the receiving end at volume is second hand, from women who have shown me their inboxes. The reasons are boring. The account is half dormant, or they are already seeing somebody, or they opened it on a bus and meant to come back to it. Send it and forget it. Write to somebody else the same evening. ## If you are the one being written to Turning people down is a skill nobody teaches, so this half never gets written. Silence is a fine answer to a message that could have been sent to anybody, and women get told they owe everyone a reply. They do not. Where somebody has clearly taken twenty minutes over it, two lines cost you nothing: > Thank you for writing, and for actually reading my profile. It is not for me, but I hope you find what you are looking for. Add no reasons, since reasons invite negotiation, and no critique of the message however kindly meant, because it gets read at eleven at night by somebody already braced. I got this wrong for years and left the decent ones unanswered with the rest, having decided a no would hurt more than silence. Somebody told me flatly that it runs the other way: silence leaves you refreshing an inbox for a fortnight, and a no lets you go. She was right. If a refusal is not taken well, block and explain nothing. > ### If the writing is the hard part > > > > For some the difficulty is the wording. For others it is having carried something private for years with nobody to tell. Samaritans are on **116 123**, free, at any hour, and you do not have to be in crisis to ring. Mind is at [mind.org.uk](https://www.mind.org.uk). I am not a therapist. ## Read next - [Finding a partner in the UK](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/uk/finding-a-partner/) - [Vetting a partner](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/guide/vetting-a-partner/) - [Red flags](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/guide/red-flags/) - [Meeting safely: the actual protocol](https://consensualspanking.co.uk/guide/meeting-safely/) ## Common questions ### What should I say in a first message on FetLife? Two or three short paragraphs. Name one specific thing from their profile so it is obvious you read it, say in one line what you are looking for, say honestly how much experience you have, and finish with a question they can answer. Leave out anything sexual, send no photographs, and do not address a stranger as Sir or Mistress. ### Should I say I am a beginner? Yes, and in the first message. Experienced people are used to hearing it and most would rather know at the start than discover it during negotiation. Claiming experience you do not have shows quickly and makes everything after it harder. A short honest line about being new gets more replies than a vague one implying otherwise. ### Why does nobody reply to my messages? Usually because the message could have been sent to anybody. A line of hello with no reference to the person reads as a copy and paste, and somebody receiving dozens or hundreds a week will not answer it. The other common cause is length. Several hundred words about your history is too much to answer on a phone, so it gets left.